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Find the Fear
Title: Find the FearAuthor: Grace L. Judson
Article:
It's simple: fear is at the heart of just about all unproductive
behavior. Whenever anyone seems particularly stubborn,
unresponsive, blind to what's happening, unwilling to
collaborate or compromise, you'll almost certainly find fear.
Of course, the person involved is unlikely to admit it, even to
herself. No one wants to admit to being afraid, especially not
at work where there's so much invested in being confidently
decisive. (That would include you!)
When fear is involved, rational discussion, logical argument,
and apparently obvious reasoning gets you exactly nowhere
(except frustrated!). So before you try to persuade - or
command, for that matter - take a moment to put yourself in the
other person's situation and ask yourself a few questions.
1. What might concern, worry, or bother you if you were in her
shoes?
2. What do you know about the person that could help you
understand where his anxieties lie? For instance, some
status-conscious managers feel that the number of people who
report to them is a direct indicator of their importance. Reduce
the head count of their team, and they feel very threatened and
fearful.
3. Looking at the answers to these questions, can you see a
fear-driven logic to their actions? It may still not "click" for
you personally - your fears in similar circumstances could be
quite different - but when you look at a situation from an
external perspective, the reactions and behaviors of others
often suddenly make sense.
As you go through this process, try to stay away from judgment
and criticism. Fear isn't rational. Your goal is to be as
objective and compassionate as you can, so that you can use your
understanding to have a more productive conversation.
Once you've found the fear (and remember that you're making
educated guesses; don't decide that you're 100% correct!),
consider how you can address it without making the other person
feel even more vulnerable and fearful. Your word choice is
crucial; you want to create more safety, not less!
When you connect gently with the fear and demonstrate
that you understand it, the other person is much more likely to
be able to hear and respond rationally to your logical approach
to solving the problem - especially since you'll be in a
position to create solutions that acknowledge and respond to his
fears.
Here are a few tips for connecting and creating safety. Mix and
match; don't just go with one; they work especially well in
combination.
Be curious
Ask leading questions that start with "I wonder" or "What if?"
It's a great way to approach touchy subjects with caution and
compassion. For instance, "I wonder what you're feeling about
the staffing shakeup?"
Be abstract
Remove the other person from your questions or comments and
talk in the third person - or even put yourself into the
situation. You might say something like, "I know I'd feel
disrespected and really annoyed if they told me I was going to
lose half my staff!"
Be quiet
After you've made a comment or asked a question, allow silence
to play a part in the conversation. When anxieties run high, it
can take someone a few moments to collect her thoughts and
decide how to respond. If you can wait without jumping in to
fill what may feel like an endless pause, you're much more
likely to get a sincere and thoughtful response. And
you're more likely to avoid saying anything you'll regret later!
Be careful
Go slowly, and stay alert for signs that you've made someone
feel more nervous and fearful rather than less. When you
proceed with caution, you can truly become the hero of the
situation, as several of my clients have enthusiastically
reported to me. Go too fast, pick the wrong words, or state the
wrong assumptions as if they're facts, and you run the risk of
making the situation worse, not better.
In summary...
When you look at any odd or off-kilter situation objectively
and compassionately, you can identify what fears could be at
play. Then you can offer solutions that respond to those fears.
Do this a few times, and you'll develop a reputation for
insightful negotiation and mediation skills. You'll also find
that by being honest with yourself about your own fears, you'll
feel more grounded, less anxious, and more able to make
decisions that are responsive to what's really happening instead
of what you're afraid might happen.
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be
understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may
fear less." Marie Curie (1867-1934), Polish-born French
physicist and chemist, only winner of Nobel prizes in two
different fields (Physics and Chemistry), and first female
professor at the University of Paris.